Your cell phone is ringing. Your inbox is overflowing1. Your friend wants to discuss her son's glue-sniffing habit. Martha Beck has news for youyou don't have to Be There for all people all the time. Just follow her escape routes.
手机铃声响个不停，收件箱爆满，朋友想讨论她儿子吸强力胶（以达麻醉、迷幻成效）的习惯。Martha Beck对你说你不必每件事、时时帮助每一个人，遵循她的逃跑路线吧。
The great English writer E.M. Forster may have valued connection above all else, but for us 21st-century folks, disconnection is as necessary as connection for creating a healthy, happy life. When we force ourselves to connect against our heart's desires, we create false, resentful relationships; when we disconnect from the people who deplete2 us, we set them free to find their tribes while we find ours. I've listed some of my favorite disconnection strategies below, in the hope that you might find them useful.
伟大英国作家爱德华摩根福斯特或许把关系看得比什么都要紧，但对21世纪的大家来讲，想要过健康开心的生活，脱离关系和拥有关系一样必要。违背心愿打造的关系是不真实、怨恨的关系；当大家脱离那些损耗大家的人，大家给了他们探寻相同种类的自由，也给了大家自己探寻相同种类的自由。下面列出了一些我最喜欢的脱离办法，期望有用。
1. Hide. Blame my high school English teacherI'll call her Mrs. Jensenwho married at 17, bore her first child at 19, and was a farmwife and mother of four by age 22. When she felt overwhelmed, she'd retreat into a field of tall corn near her house and hide there, listening to her children search for her, until she heard a cry of genuine pain or felt ready to reconnect, whichever came first. Martha, Mrs. Jensen told me, every woman needs a cornfield. No matter what's happening in your life, find yourself a cornfield and hide there whenever you need to.
隐藏。想出这点子，都怪那个叫Jensen夫人的高中英语老师。她十七岁嫁人，十九岁生下第一个孩子，二十二岁时，这农妇是四个孩子的妈。当她感到没办法应付时，她会躲入她家附近一片高玉米地，听着孩子探寻她的声音，直到听见真的痛苦的哭喊，或自己筹备恢复与现实生活的联系。Jensen曾告诉我：Martha，每一个女性都需要一片玉米地。不管出了什么事，找到我们的一片玉米地，需要的时候躲起来。
I've used hundreds of other cornfields over the years: cars, forests, hotels, bathrooms. I've been known to hide for days, but even a few minutes can calm my strung-out nervesor yours. If you don't already have a cornfield, find one now.
长期以来，我用了不少玉米地：汽车、森林、宾馆、浴室。我能消失好几天，这一点让我出名了。但即使几分钟也能平静我紧绷的神经。或者你也可以。假如你还没一片玉米地，目前就找一个。
2. Go primitive3. We all know that technological4 advances have made connection easier than ever before. They've also led some people to think that breaking away is a violation5 of the social order. At such times, I become downright Amish, religiously committed to avoiding all modern communication technology. I unplug phones, computers, intercoms and fax machines, risking opprobrium6, because I know that if I don't lose touch with some of the people who are trying to reach me, I'll lose touch with myself. The over-connected me is a cranky, tired fussbudget. Silence is golden if it keeps me from broadcasting that fretful self into my network of treasured relationships.
回归原始。大家都了解技术进步让联系比以往任何时候都要容易。也让一些人觉得逃避是对社交秩序的侵犯。这个时候，我干脆变成一名门诺派教徒，真诚地回避所有现代通讯技术。我冒着被骂的危险，把电话、电脑、对讲机、传真机都关了。由于我了解，假如我不躲开那些要联系我的人，我将失去自己。在过渡联系中的那个我是易怒、疲倦、吹毛求疵。假如沉默能防止烦躁的我损害珍贵的关系，那样它就是金。
3. Play favorites. Your ability to connect is a resource much more precious than money, so manage it well. Make a list of everyone to whom you feel bonded7, then consider what kind of return you're getting on your investment. It may sound cold-blooded to say you must pest8 yourself of the relationships that give you consistent losses, but unless you do this, you'll soon run out of capital, and you'll have no connection energy left to invest in anybody. So, please, decide now to deliberately9 limit the time and attention you spend on low yield relationships. Above all
选宠。联络能力是一种比资金更珍贵的东西，所以要好好管理。列出一份你感觉关系密切的人名单，然后考虑，从你的投资中会得到哪类回报。或许要让自己脱离那些无益你的关系。这么说听上去冷血，但假如你不这么做，你将耗尽资本，没办法投资给其他人。所以，请目前就有意识地限制对低产关系花的时间和注意力。最重要一点......
4. Get rid of squid. Squid is my word for people who seem to be missing their backbones10 but possess myriad11 sucking tentacles12 of emotional need. Like many invertebrates13, squid appear limp and squishybut once they get a grip on you, they're incredibly powerful. Masters at catalyzing14 guilt15 and obligation, they operate by squeezing pity from everyone they meet. Getting a squid out of your life is never pretty. Tell them straightforwardly16 that you want them, yes them, to leave now, yes, now. This will be unpleasant. There will be lasting17 hurt feelings. Don't worry. Squid love hurt feelings. They hoard18 them, trading them in for pity points when they find another victimer, friend. Let them go, their coffers bulging19.
除掉鱿鱼. 在我的词语力，鱿鱼是那些好像没骨头，却长了无数情感需要吸吮盘的人。和很多无脊椎动物一样，鱿鱼看起来柔软黏糊可是一旦它们将你抓住就变得无比有力。身为催成罪恶感和义务感的大师，他们的伎两个是从每一个见到的人那里博得同情。要从你的日常除去一只鱿鱼困难。直接告诉他们，你期望他们，对，正是他们，目前离开，立刻离开。这让人不快，会有持久受伤的感觉。别担忧，鱿鱼喜欢受伤感觉。他们在囤积它们，在找到另一个受害人（呃，朋友)时，用它们来换取怜悯。让他们去，你充实了他们的囤积。
5. Be insensitive. This is a very compassionate20 way to use your own psychological instincts. Instead of connecting with every person's problems, let yourself feel whether someone really needs your attention, or whether the best gift you can give might be a little abruptness21.
漠然。这是运用心理本能时非常慈悲的做法。不要去关心每一个人的麻烦，而是让自己感受其他人是不是是需要你的关注；或许你能给予的最好礼物是一点鲁莽。
6. Rehearse escape lines. When I'm overextended, I paradoxically become worse at setting boundaries. I end up resorting to rehearsed exit lines. Take the time to rehearse several reliable alternatives. Because, when you're exhausted22, a practiced excuse can keep you from wading23 deeper into relationships you don't need and can't handle.
排练逃跑台词。当我把关系网拉得过大，我设置界限的能力会变糟。最后，我会排练逃避台词。花时间排练几种靠谱选择。由于当你精疲力竭时，一个经过筹备的借口能预防你淌入更深的浑水，防止你卷入既无需也没办法处置的关系。
7. Be shallow. Even staying in touch with a reasonably small number of high-quality people can be overwhelming if you tend toward emotional intensity24. In such cases, shallowness can be a delightful25 alternative. E-mail a stupid joke. Gather your friends to watch TV shows in which strangers paint one another's rooms the color of phlegm and then feign26 mutual27 delight. once you know you can swim in the deep end of human connection, it's fun to splash around in the shallows.
肤浅。和阳春白雪的人群呆在一块，即使他们人数不多，假如你感性一点，就会感觉精神紧崩、喘不过气。这个时候，肤浅可以是一个愉快的选择。发一封傻傻的笑话邮件。邀朋友一块看电视节目（节目中有人把其他人房间漆成和痰一样的颜色，然后假装出大伙同乐的样子）。既能在关系深处畅游，也能在浅水中嬉戏。
I hope you find these disconnection strategies as useful as I do. By striking a balance between the imperative28 to only connect and the need for inpiduation, you really will relax your psyche29 and your relationships, making your life as a whole more joyful30, more loving.
我发现这类脱离方案非常有用，期望你也如此觉得。命令自己有选择地和别人联系，同时和对个性的需要维持平衡，你就将能放松心情和关系，让生活整体上更快乐、更有爱。
